The Soulforge

My spiritual growth that came from walking along many pagan paths has
always been something that I could break down in chapters or levels
of being. When I wrote my autobiographical journal I found that it
was easy to seperate diffrent times in my life. I broke that book up
into what I titled as "Ages". One age might have lasted for ten years
and another for only one. Normally there was some sort of major life
event or change in who I was or where I was going that served as a
sort of sigh post letting me know that I was going from one level of
being to another.

I went through that same process quite recently and wrote it out
as "The Phoenix Saga" rather than another Age or transferance from
one level of being to another because I really didn't see a major
transition in my level. Rather a burning away of the old worn out
surface stuff to reviel what was truely underneith. Kind of like
shedding an old skin. The animal is the same. Just looks prettier.

It was the very first time in over a decade that I thought about
changing my magical name and for me there was a clear distinction
between the two personifications of "Snowden" and "Angel".

Snowden was brought into the world out of a very dark time. He had a
purpose and when his task was all but done I found myself in a bit of
a quandry with the question "What do I do now?" I really thought I
was done. I'd paid my dues, pulled more than my wieght, and did more
year to year than most people do in their lifetime. I was ready and
willing to wonder off into the mountains and disappear. Let the world
go on as it will. For a while there that was the one and only thing I
wanted to do. I did my part and finished everything I set out to do.
It was time to rest and find the one thing that I never had
before....peace.

It didn't turn out that easy though. Just when you think it's
over........
I had one more challenge to meet. One more battle to fight. One more
game to play before I could close the book. I had no idea that the
event that were to unfold would put me right back where I started
with a completely blank book that needed written.
Guess my time was not up after all.

The last two years have been hard ones. I have the notion that now I
know what a plant feels like when it gets root bound. I found myself
with an instinct to grow but no room to grow in. And as untouchable
as I might seem I walked out of the last two years with a few
scars.....and some other markings.

The blue rose over my heart.
Got that tattoo the night my daughter rolled over on her own for the
first time. I've been thinking about that night a lot here as of late
with it being Father's Day and all. I miss my baby girl so very much.
But that blue rose has not faded in all the time she has been away.
But just as the color of that happy memory has not faded nor has the
dull grey of the every praying concrete angel on my left arm.
The "toy soldier" mark of a painful loss and the stance that no
matter where she is or how long she is away daddy will weather the
storm and keep praying for her to be safe.

Two tattoos for my two year old.
But the third is a diffrent story all together. The third was not for
happiness or pain. It was for spirit and an ever mark of who I am.
Almost impossible to discribe in words my "Angel" tattoo on my right
arm is an intricate symbol of many things. Power, hope, dreams,
longing, immortality, love, and all the things that are me all in one
symbol. All in one branding word that was gifted to me as my "new
name". And that symbol appears in nearly every piece of artwork I
have come up with over the past year. It is a symbol that has come to
mean more to me than any other. And like the name it too was a gift
that seemed to match me perfectly.

It's kind of odd that I find so much strength and drive in that mark.
No matter what is happening in my life that tattoo has always given
me the strength to push on and remember exactly who I am.

Angel is very complex with a beginning that is nothing sort of
unbelievable. The odds of how I came to be who and what I am play
against logical and rational thought. Yet here I stand for the world
to see. With some of the most amazing people that I have ever had the
honor of spending time with.

But outside of this place and my family here, when the world is quiet
and the day is done, when there is nothing to think of and nothing to
be expected, there are those little moments when I look at that
tattoo and think to myself..."And tomarrow and tomarrow and tomarrow
creeps Angel. Come what may."

I would not be who and what I am if not for the people I have met
along the way. Some of those people have come and gone with no
regrets. Other has found in me an unconditional love that is
immortal. I've never really been too grand at "showing the love" but
it is always there none the less and not a soul in this world or any
other can ever threaten it. I thank them when I can and love them
even when I can't.

I went through the trials and kept my head held high the whole time.
Even when I feel to my knees. Now the storms seemed to have passed.
The aftermath is a bit messy but at least the wind is gone and
everything is back to being quiet for a while.

We do what we can with what we are given and sometimes that is the
best we can do. The only one upper on that idea is that when we do
things we do them with pride. That no matter where we go we always
remember where we were. And that no matter who we loose or gain along
the way at the end of this journey we will be alone. If only for one
brief moment in which we are allowed to breath.

We live, we grow stronger, and we will always fight another day.
Even if we have to be reborn to do it.

Angel Snowden -2006