Saving Grace

There are times in our lives when we get fed up with all the
fighting, all the negativity, and all the drama. We look back on our
lives and think "I've paid my dues." but the prices keep coming. We
end our days exhausted and frustrated. And we beg for just one good
day, just one break in the hell of it all.
I've fought in so many wars, lost so many people along the way. I
live with pain and regret; I live with anger and darkness. But I
keep going. I survive.... I always survive. But surviving all of
life's trials does not give you much comfort or peace.
They say that solitude is a precious thing. I seem to be fine when I
am not around other people. It is when I get around them and their
drama that I begin to get frustrated. I see a world in pain with no
good reasons why save for the fact that it colors their lives in
some odd twisted way. It seems to make the ordinary less ordinary.
But it is always the same issues repeated over and over again. Same
stories, different people. Now I am always exhausted with the dramas
and plays of other people. I can barely handle the ones forced into
my life let alone having time to invite anyone Else's in.
I try to take the bad with the good. I try to take stress in stride
and I generally handle it better than some people I know. I don't
walk through life pissing and moaning about every little thing. But
I long for rest. Not the kind that sleeps provides either.
The storms of life toss us all around. And when they come we all
long for a port. We just want it all to be over and for the world to
be quiet again. But another day comes and the storm is still there
or on the horizon. And another and another. Sometimes it just never
stops.
Living the same day over and over again does not make much of a
life. Routine is probably the greatest slayer of happiness. We go
through the motions set down by other people that we have probably
never met and we call it free will. It is a sad excuse for living.
I wonder if that is the gift lovers have. Silent moments of
nothingness. Just being there. No pain, no noise, no anything. It is
in those moments that I find the peace I have been looking for so
long. But those moments don't last forever. That gets frustrating at
times too. Knowing that you have to venture back out into the storm
when all you want in life is to curl up in your lover's arms and
rest. That is also where you will run into trouble.
Some people spend a lot of time together. I know of some couples
that cannot go anywhere or do anything without the other. It's just
not the same if they are not there.
I ran into the same thing when I lost my daughter. Everything I
owned and prized became worthless and meaningless overnight. When
something like that happens, if you take the time to look, you see
really fast that there is no value in anything without love. If you
don't have love you don't have anything.
I reminisce of angels. They show up out of nowhere when you need
them the most. A love, a child, and a friend...they come in and let
us know we are still alive and that there is still hope despite the
storm outside.
It is an odd way of seeing how we influence each other's lives in
one way or the other and at the oddest times. I don't see it all the
time. The clouds of the past roll in and in fear I keep waiting for
a lightning strike, a repeat of past pains. Sometimes I may even try
to force it to happen.
Another problem with repetition is when you get hurt over and over
again by those you allow close to you begin to expect it to keep
happening. It gets into your head as normal and when we get out of
the normal we get scared pretty easily.
Loves can come and go. Same with anyone who we meet in our lives.
But when you run into someone who does not have it in them to give
up on you then you know that you have been granted a saving grace
that will last forever. Just don't waste it.

Angel Snowden -2006