Forgive Us Our Trespasses

Many of us have someplace that we can go to for solitude. Be it a
certain place in nature, our alters, or if we are lucky enough to
have one, our ritual room.
I was lucky enough to have a ritual room at my old house. Nothing
outside of witchcraft was allowed in there. The entire room was
constructed and maintained to have certain energy. Complete with a
large alter that held, on average, about 80 to 100 candles at any
given time and a multitude of stones and crystals. The room was
dedicated to a certain group of faerie folk that I had some
adventures with.
I use to take my daughter in there and set her in a bean bag chair
where she would set four hours contently looking at all the candles
and fairies wile intermittently playing with dad. It was our
hideaway. Mom never felt to welcome in that room. Not because of the
baby, or me but because of the fairies.
As witches we almost get to a point where we need solitude now and
then. As our powers grow we often find ourselves wanting more and
more time to contemplate things and for some odd reason to just "be".
It's not always about meditation. Very few people ever really master
meditation anyway. Their minds are too cluttered with stuff to get
it cleared out right off and they soon just give up on the notion.
My first martial arts instructor was very adept at spotting a
thought in the closed eyes of a student who was not suppose to be
thinking. So over the years I spent with him I learned a few tricks
on how to pull it off. Without those lesson I probably would have
never have gotten it down.
It's not always about spell work or study. Being a witch isn't just
about learning a new spell or reading books. I know too many witches
who go out and buy a book and never actually read the thing. Granted
they might reference it now and then but to actually read a book
would take too much time and effort on their part. Instant witchery
is much easier. Kind of like learning from Harry Potter though.
Sometimes we just need to be left alone. Maybe it is because that in
our beliefs and practices we tend to pick up on things that the
majority of the population have learned to ignore. Thoughts,
feelings, and energies that are not out own have a bad habit of
becoming overbearing on our minds and on our bodies. These things
stress us after a bit and we need time to "ground ourselves".
The life of a witch is not exactly a life of solitude. However we do
seem to have a bit of distance from everyone else. Even family
members. Especially if they do not agree with out choice of
spirituality or at least do not understand any of it. So we begin to
drift. And in drifting we find space. Room for new ideas, new
powers, new studies, anything but new people. We don't necessarily
want to drift away from them but we do.
Then we start to feel alone in the world. Almost as if there is no
other person alive that could understand us. And even if they did
want to learn our ways and what we believe in we run into the
challenge of what and how to tell them.
We don't like to see other people in our sacred spots. We do not
want them touching our altars, even if we ourselves have not touched
them in months. I know a few people who have an "alter" that they
never even touch. It is a complete waste of space and its only
purpose is to collect dust. A dusty alter is a tell tale sign of a
showcase wanna be witch. They display the wares for any would be
visitor and think that they actually impress someone. If you want to
impress your guest offer them something. Chances are they will come
back.
I have a very difficult time with people who come to me asking
questions about "my path". My path was not through the garden of
wildflowers and witchery. It was through a brier patch with tests
and challenges that they would not want to face at all. I never had
a teacher or a mentor. I never had someone to back me when I made a
mistake. I'm a self-taught, self motivated, and self challenged
pagan. And contrary to popular belief I do not like attention from a
lot of people. I do not do well in crowds at all. I don't even like
to be in a store for too long. If I am around too many people for
and extended period of time I have got to be alone for a few hours'
after-wards or I get moody as hell. But I can set and talk to one
person at a time for hours on end and never have any frustration
about it.
It's all kind of antithetical for a guy who writes as much as I do
on so many different forums. My writings have a funny way of getting
attention. But these are just my writings. You can read and
contemplate them for weeks and it is not going to bother me any. You
could even rip them to shreds and argue my every word. I won't mind.
At least you're doing something.
It's the more direct contacts that get to me. I really do not like
talking to people. Especially if I do not know them. If I don't know
you pretty well chances are you will not learn anything about me
outside of my writings. I'm a pretty private person and I spend a
lot of time pondering over what to share and what no to. I have done
a few little projects to share some of me with my close friends here
in the Den. But even doing that was a challenge for me.
I've written for the public in general and I'm known all over my
area. And the public, like most of you, know me as Snowden and
beyond that your only reference to me is...my writings. Only a
handful of people have every gotten beyond that.
So I ask myself, "Why the solitude?"
I really don't know. Being around people make me sleepy. That's the
first thing that happens. Might be because I keep up such a strong
guard around others. Another side effect of good martial arts
training and well as training in magic. It has become an automatic
reflex for me. If I walk into a new location the first thing I do is
scan the whole area and pick out the details. Then I size up whoever
might be there. A few other not so good things go through my head
and then it is a matter of adjusting myself to the new environment.
After all of that you really do not care about anything but you do
find yourself paying attention to every little move in the room.
So many defenses. I go with the flow for the most part but there is
a line they're that if someone crosses the whole mood changes. And
so instead of dealing with all of that I stay to myself. Not a good
idea from a social perspective but then again.... they have no idea
what I am thinking anyway and if they did they probably would not
want me around.
I'm a pretty strong person and there is not too many situations I
have not been in. There have been times when I have went against all
the odds only to finish off whatever I set before myself and then
look at the people near to me and see this odd look on their face
that says "How the hell does he do it?"
But in all my strength, all my wisdom, and all my power I have never
been able to pull off peace. I've had to fight for so long that I do
not know what it is like to not have to fight. And I have found that
all of my accomplishments and all of my dreams have come to pale in
comparison to that one simple idea of peace.
It's a loving silence. The world slows down to a crawl and time does
not matter anymore. And it is soft and cool and done.
I use to see that lingering before me like a diamond in the ruff
when I held my daughter. Babies are so very lucky to know peace. To
just be and do whatever feels right at that moment with no
hesitation, no worries, and no regrets. They don't care about what
happened 5 minutes ago let alone yesterday. And they never really
think about what they will be doing 5 minutes from now. They live in
this moment. And in this moment they know peace. That is something
my baby girl tried to teach me that I have still not learned.
I know that the problem is not in the people. It is somewhere in me.
It's the voice that echoes in my mind that tells me I have paid my
dues, I have done my best, and I have earned one moment of peace.
But it doesn't come.


Angel Snowden -2006