Courage

No matter who you are or where you come from, no matter what path
you follow or code you hold fast to everyone is afraid sometimes.
There are countless reasons for an influx of fear into our lives and
listing them is often easy. From natural phobias to betrayals, fear
is one of the most common responses to any negative stimulus. And
when we feel fear we can sometimes display the worst of behaviors.
Behaviors that leave us in shame when the fear passes.
What is not so easy to see is the many manifestations of fear. Often
a fear can appear in completely unrelated situations. If there is a
way out fear will find it.
There are critical moments is every ones lives. Times when it can go
one-way or another. And if someone shares our lives with us their
actions and decisions are completely out of our control. But the
result of those actions and decisions can affect us greatly. We know
that without actually ever learning it. It is ingrained into our
being and laced with our invent of "trust".
Trust is something that is very delicate. The reason being that it
is nothing more than blind faith. The idea that another person will
take us in consideration when they decide to do something. Knowing
that the end result will affect our lives too. But as each of us
have seen, at some point in our lives, that this is not often the
case. So trust never really counters fear. If anything trust adds to
it. In offering our faith we are also offering them one more aspect
of our being that can be hurt. We ask them to hold this delicate
thing and then beg them not to break it. It is rather like asking a
toddler not to break your grandmothers favorite porcelain doll. The
toddler never really understand the value of what you are allowing
them to hold. Yet, we say that without this blind faith all that we
share is worthless. Without trust you have nothing. It will not work
unless you put your heart and faith on the line and hope that they
value it as much as you do. That concept alone is very scary.
Especially if what you are putting on the line has already been
broken by someone before. That is where you get to the point where
you offer it and the only thing you get in return is fear.
Fear...it can take your heart, take your soul. It can take over
every aspect of your life. Rule you and every decision you make.
Sometimes fear gets so intense that we foolishly select coping
strategies without much thought to the actual problem. Some people
turn to drugs and alcohol to deal with fear. Then they end up doing
stupid things and innocent people get hurt. Nothing good has ever
come out of either one of those products. But it is also in our
nature to destroy ourselves.
Then you have the "wounded animal syndrome". This happens when you
get severely hurt and the wound never really heals. You're
constantly in pain and always looking over your shoulder thinking
that something or someone else is going to come along and hurt you
even more. You live in fear all the time and you lash out at anyone
who gets too close no matter what his or her intentions are. The
fear of being hurt even more is so painful that you get a sort of
tunnel vision. All you see is more pain and more fear. And when
someone reaches out to you try to push him or her away for fear that
they may touch that one tender spot. Or worse yet, you hurt them
before they can hurt you. You're wounded and you're on the
defensive. Your first instinct is to even the odds. This is where we
coined the phrase "misery loves company." It is not always that you
want to hurt them. You just want everyone on the same level as you
because you are afraid. It is part of our basic need to survive.
We see fear as shameful. We don't like to admit we are weak in any
area. We don't like to show are weaknesses at all. We don't even
like to acknowledge them. We put up a shield and look strong when
inside we are scared to death. And no matter how big the shield or
how good your stance, if you are afraid you are going to fall down
at the slightest push. I don't know of anyone who can honestly say
they have never been knocked on their ass because they were afraid.
But we fall down so we can learn how to get back up. And getting
back up is were we find the antidote to fear, courage.
"What don't kill us only makes us stronger." I don't think that is
true. I believe that when we get cut emotionally it is the same as
getting cut physically. After so many cuts you start to get
calloused. That is not strength. That is the first step to becoming
emotionless, hard, and rough. We harden up, fail to feel anything at
all, and become unloving. That is not strength. That is spiritual
death. Our heart dies in the same way nerve endings do after being
damaged too much. It still beats just as the flesh still lives. But
there is no feeling there anymore. Sadly there are times when that
kind of damage cannot be reversed.
Another kind of fear is the fear of who we really are. Pagans near
and far are a prime example of this type of fear. It is the fear of
rejection. A complete lack of faith and ignorant bliss when it comes
to our potential. We find ourselves saying, "I don't know how they
will react so I am not going to even try." Then we look at ourselves
in the mirror one day and fear that we are failures. Instead of
changing it we cry and complain, piss and moan "WHY ME?" It's
simple. You were afraid. But don't feel ashamed. The same thing
happens if you are the best at something too. When your the best
people come to test you. All the time and they just keep on coming.
Another one of our primal parts we have yet to outlive is our need
and longing for competition.
Ever wonder how much money is spent in one years time on products to
make you "look better"? Billions of dollars on things that you are
told will bring you up to the standards of society. And we buy them
up because we fear that they are right and we are wrong.
Then you get up to their expectations and fear that the only reason
people want you now is because you're beautiful. The whole thing was
pointless. You did nothing but trade one fear for another.
Everywhere we look and in every situation there is a swing factor
where some part of our minds is telling us "This may not turn out
right." When it does we feel relieved! If nothing goes wrong we say
to ourselves "Damn for a second there I was afraid that would not
work!"
During that time in between your mind was racing with all the
possibilities of what could go wrong. Sometimes we even construct
completely new stories based on little information because our mind
are telling us that something somewhere is just not right. Our fear
and imagination fills in the blanks and we will swear to the new
story and not what really happened.
So what do we do with all of this fear?
Well the first thing you need to do is find out exactly what it is
that you are really afraid of. Chances are it is not going to be one
of the first three things you think of. One thing about fear is that
it knows how to hide. And if it gets the chance it will make us run
and hide with it. Fear my friends is afraid of being caught. Because
Fear know that is it is caught, that if its true face is ever seen,
it becomes mortal and can be killed.
Our minds and hearts are a lot like a tangled forest. There are a
lot of places for things to hide. But when it comes to fear, fear is
never born in the forest. It moves in from someplace else. And as
any hunter will tell you, if it entered the forest, there is a
trail. So find where the fear came in at and then track it down to
its hiding place.
Hunting our fears is the same as hunting rabbits. As I said, Fear
likes to run and hide. So does a rabbit. But like in rabbit hunting
if you chase Fear up from its hiding place and let it run away from
you will never catch it if you give chase. You wont do anything but
exhaust yourself.
So if you find it and it runs from you all you have to do is set
down and wait. Just be quiet and blend it as best you can. Before
you know it that same Fear will run in a circle right back to you.
And when it does it will not be prepared because fear has never had
any concept of patience.
When you see it for the first time your going to feel like a fool.
Chances are the thing you will see is not that big at all. It just
sounded very big when it was running through the brush. And when you
realize that the whole thing was a trick of your mind meant to throw
off your instincts then you will know what courage is.
Courage is knowing the difference between the sound of fear and fear
itself. Learn Fears true nature and it is easy enough to tame and
turn into an ally rather than an enemy. It makes a damned find guard
dog in the end. All you have to do is keep it on a leash and not let
it run wild again.

Angel Snowden -2006